DARWIN AWARDS 1997

They have finally been released!  For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award -  It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
Universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the
most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been
keen again.  Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives
for this event.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 8-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3. Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.  Beach-goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind.
And had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to   free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.

4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth
(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit
the floor.

5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest
Berrena was wearing.

6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
Revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont.,Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another  person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.

(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
house.

(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2AM, the
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to
see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.

(4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:  In Betulia, Colombia, an annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This
year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.  Said one
participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."

(5) Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying

masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on
his chest,  arms and  face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue,
and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been
bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her  husband off for his first day of
work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later.  "I was really close to the
car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for
more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of
his cab running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical
Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth.
The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing
Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing
two fingers from Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was caused by a
falling piece of the medical building.

(6) La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.  "My
dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower.  I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog
and sat down right on the thing."  The extraction took more than three
hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened
during insertion.  "He was a real trooper during the entire episode,"
said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to
be enjoying himself.  Three times during the extraction his phone rang
and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the
floor.  By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an
answering machine in there"

(7) TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating
three birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she had
to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers.  After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the  Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where
doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach
with no ill effects.

And the winner is:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Japan Times-April 16, 1997  "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will
destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the
remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's
emergency room.  "Most  'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he
explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving
themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high."  Charnchai took
it further still. He started using a  two-cylinder foot pump, but even that
wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going
to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station.  They  dared him  to
do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.  Not realizing how
powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum,
and placed a coin in the slot.  As a result, he died virtually instantly,
but passers-by are still in shock.  One woman thought she was watching a
twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.  "We still haven't
located all of him.", say the police authorities.  "When that quantity
of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded.  It
was like a bomb went off or something." Ratchasima  concluded.
"Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed
Darwin Awards recipient!