How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna to
want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%... Wedding cake.

Marriage

is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffeRing.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in
every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a
moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half
to
death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.