Reported by various people:
"I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported that the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder in our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that the District Attorney's office was going for the death penalty because they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death."
This sign was spotted in a fabric warehouse in Wells (South England):
"Ceiling Fans in Operation. Please be careful when lifting small children."
Editor: Maybe it's just me, but that sign seems vague. For example, the guidelines are completely silent on the handling of larger children and pets. And I am left wondering if it's okay to fling small children into the ceiling fan with a catapult as long as you don't do any "lifting."
Allegedly overheard at the pharmacy:
"Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection? Because a couple of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her."
Editor: Yes, I know it sounds like an urban legend, but it's still funny.
This one is part True Tale and part Wise-Ass Comment:
I was standing in a lobby gazing out the glass door. A woman came up behind me and began to talk to me as if she knew me. I turned around, she stopped, startled, and said, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I am."
I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after trying it out (according to their policy). The salesperson asked me why I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it
didn't work properly. She responded, "Did you open it?"
One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I worked at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would
track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged me with the Help Desk extension displayed.
She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my person. They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my wife had my pager.
I am a reference librarian. I had an person come up to me yesterday wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project. She found the perfect site the day before but did not bookmark it or
write down the URL. So, the question I got was, "I need to find that web page with a yellow background that I found on this computer yesterday."
I recently had trouble with my cellular service. I called the Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech asked the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could
see no model number on the phone. He said, "Take the battery off and look inside. The model number is printed there." I said if I take the battery out, I'll lose the connection. He said, "That's okay. I'll
hold."
A customer called me the other day to complain that the contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim because the customer's maid had signed a form stating the damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria
neither read nor wrote English and would not have realised what it was she was signing. When I called the delivery company to press home this point, they replied, "The maid must have known what she was signing because she signed her name in English".
At that point I was at a loss for words.
There's this guy in my office who got a new PC that has a blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes without activity. Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to find his monitor "not working." So he gave it the good old-fashioned whack on the side. Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse and his monitor "worked"!!
Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the "loose connection" in his monitor with a whack.
