Top Tips
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If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car.  Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of
the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars.  Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus

arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or
set fire to someone else's  house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fish's eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded,makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower

Liverpool fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to
your allegiance.

Liverpool fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.