A farmer owns this cow who keeps crapping all over his paddocks. It starts
to get so bad that he has to move all the other animals to other areas
because the fields are full of shit. Months go by and he has no space left
so totally frantic he goes to the corner shop and orders an ACME industrial
strength plug. On arrival he plugs the cow's arse, smiling that his
troubles are over.
Further months go by and the cow starts to get bigger and bigger. In fact,
it is so large it takes up eight paddocks. The farmer scratches his head
and wonders what to do. Fortunately a travelling circus spots the cow and
makes the farmer an offer so they can display it to the world in the freak
show.
After further month's of huge success the cow is one class act, and has
become bloody enormous. Anyway in the circus is a troop of monkeys that
pull corks from bottles and make music.
The monkeys have been obsessed with the cow since it arrived and one day
decide to give the unplugging task a go. With all their might the monkeys
heave ho on the plug and it starts to budge. Finally the last monkey - the
troop leader, takes an almighty grip and yanks..
WOOSH..... all the shit floods out! The only man not in ithe fallout zone
is a climber at the top of the nearest hillside and he's knee deep and
laughing his head off. The ring master of the circus, floats to the top of
the shit heap and sees the climber and shouts "What are you laughing for?".
The climber replies "You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork
back in".
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The Horny Gorilla
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to go to the
zoo. They spent the day there, and at closing time they walked past the
gorilla cage. Then the man noticed the gorilla was looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said, "Why
don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined, but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off
her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping
up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your
clothes and we'll see what he does".
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went
insane! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles
and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage,
opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "try telling HIM you have a headache!"
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The Parrot With a Problem
A vicar once had a pet parrot. He took him to church every Sunday and the
bird would help lead the choir. The parrot was a model pet most of the
time, but he had some serious problems on the side.
You see, he liked to fuck chickens. The vicar kept telling him to stop it
or he would shave the bird's head. Well the parrot didn't listen and after
several warnings the vicar got out the clippers and shaved the bird's head
completely.
That Sunday in church, it was business as usual, the vicar was dividing the
church members up for the hymns.
"All you ladies, come over here," said the vicar, "and all you gentlemen,
please stand over there."
About this time, a bald man walked by in front of the bird, to which the
parrot said, "And all you chicken fuckers over here beside me!"
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The Alligator & the Stick
A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and orders a beer. The barman
says "Get that thing out of here! I don't need any deadly animals in my
bar!"
The man says "Hey, this 'gator is as tame as they come! Watch, I'll show
you..."
The owner then procedes to whip out his dick and place it in the 'gator's
mouth amongst the massive rows of teeth. To prove his point further, he
takes a stick and begins hammering the 'gator over the head with it.
The owner removes his cock from the 'gator's mouth without a scratch on it
and says "See, this gator wouldn't hurt a fly! Anyone else here care care
to try?"
An old woman at the back of the bar says "Sure, I'll try it, but only if
you promise not hit hit me other the head with that stick."
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Choosing Condoms
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to
queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes
in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he
remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some
condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are ?" she asked.
"No".
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a
feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large
condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are
brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl
fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course
of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One
packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then
brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable Darren Madden
who decides to queue up and try the same routine.
"I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?"
"No."
"OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
