A man drives madly up to his house, runs up to the door which he
flings open and shouts "Honey, start packing!! I've just won the lottery!!"

His ecstatic wife replies "What should I pack for? The mountains or the coast?"

"I don't care," he says. "Just get the fuck out."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he
says that he will wager $50 to everyone who has an instrument that
the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing
better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a
confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply
horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back,
he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!"

"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep"


A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on,
what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told.

On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his
ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall
states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign
stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales?
A: A leisure centre.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies
Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the
mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie

- - - *poof* she is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to
be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, " I think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world."

- - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I
think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

- - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the
mirror and says, "I think ..."

- - - *poof*

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?"
she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window
and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Will the humour never end ?

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I
will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a
blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that
no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."

Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to
visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was
the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was
wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do.
Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so
great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just
let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give
that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking
back into his bag of left-over creations. "What's left here? Oh yes,
multiple orgasms..."

"John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful
John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a
letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY.....
Don't Lie To Your Mother!!! "

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer (F.O) is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've
flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"
The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like
Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl
Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And the Captain answers, "Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like
Jew."
The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" F.O. says,
"Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." The F.O.
replies,"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Kornberg, no mattah.. all same."



I have taken the initiative of fixing this Y to K thing. Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about--maybe I'm misunderstanding--it
doesn't make any sense to me anyway....

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new
months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older,
then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Go ahead and take risks.... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.